To my Personal Hero: Nelson Mandela, as He Approaches his Last Farewell

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Madiba, 

May you be allowed to leave in peace. May the love and admiration you have harvested not hold you back from a peaceful and natural parting.

You have given your life to your cause, your people, your Country and the entire world; A life dedicated to "the fight of a noble battle in pursuit of a better life for all who follow"; may  the world now let you have your farewell to yourself, when your time comes.  

You have made our world a better place. 94 years of  exceptional Sacrifice Humanity, & Example. 

"Men and Women of rare qualities are few and hard to come by. And when they depart the sense of loss is made more profound and more difficult to manage"

You have been a unique and unforgettable teacher,  your lessons will live forever beyond you, generation through generation - and we'll have many of them to remember you by. 

Dear, Honorable Man, with the noblest spirit,

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. 

La Capacidad de Amar

(I wrote this about 3 years ago, but thought my mom would mind...I finally read it to her and she thought it was hilarious; so - with her full approval - I'm posting it).  
I love you Mom, and it's only because we've overcome our hardships that I can write so freely about it. 
Here goes...


         I’m having a breakthrough.
         I always thought love could fix anything. Yup, I know - it sounds pathetically naïve for a fairly smart and realistic gal like me. I can’t believe I actually got to 34 years of believing that wholeheartedly.
To me it’s always been a question of how well we love and how much we’re willing to do so. I’ve analyzed and comprehended countless relationship situations by measuring the amount of love involved. You either loved someone enough to make it work or you didn’t. At least that’s what I thought.
But today I’ve come to realize that it might not all necessarily boil down to that. It does perhaps, up to a certain point in a relationship, but once both parts are truly committed, love might not be enough.

         Puede haber un amor enorme pero falta de estructura con que sostenerlo. Falta de herramientas, falta de capacidad. No poder, no necesariamente significa no querer. (Totally new concept for me) .

        There seems to be, after all, a determinating factor that goes far beyond love itself, and that is: The Capability of Loving Healthily.

        Unfortunately for some, the biggest legacy our parents leave us is our capability to love. The way we relate to love is totally associated to our relationship with our parents. (In which case, I don’t know about you, but I for one, am totally screwed).

         I grew up with a mother who needed a parent. Who, until today doesn't understand the concept of "unconditional", & who of-course needed me to be perfect to reflect her competence and worth. 

         When you’re a child you’re told there’s no love greater than a mother’s love. So you grow up thinking that’s the best you’re ever gonna get; and you take her love as the epiphany of love itself, with whatever it brings. So if she happens to be demanding, you’ll associate love with demand; if she’s agressive, you’ll associate love with aggression, if she' psychotic...ha, well…you get the idea of  "so on and so forth". 
My mother - bless her heart - was practically abandoned by her mother; so who knows, maybe to her love was associated with abandonment (you can see now, how that could have screwed me up, ha). No, she was great, she did what she could -  luckily I had therapy.  But yeah, I grew up with an overcritical mother, who thought she was being helpful by putting me down; so to me, criticism and being constantly put down were part of the true love equation. That’s how I ended up with my first husband, darling man – he was nice enough to take up where my mom had left off.
             My mom’s been through hell - luckily she’s not aware of it; to her, love means suffering, not being needed and being kept at a terrible distance - and basically, having to fight for approval of everything she does. So she’s been stuck for over thirty years in a love-hate relationship which probably resembles the one she had with her own mother. (Sorry Edward). She's of course, blissfully unaware of this and believes she's gratifyingly happy.  Meanwhile, I grew up watching her suffer; so, to me, love was wanting to save her, heal her, fix her.

             Off course, when I was old enough to build my own relationships I went in search of people I could save. And who do you think needed the most saving? All those poor little boys who’s parents’ had screwed them up. (Yup, I admit it, I tend to get hitched with pretty messed up cases - but everything else seems sooo boaring). Anyway, so there it is, the perfect match, a team of two very messed up people who have absolutely no idea of how to love healthily.
It’s hilarious really. We go through life either fighting or reproducing the pattern we were brought up with. 
If we're lucky, and have the head & balls to change it, we might get it right. But it takes a LOT of hard work, every relationship (be it friendship, brotherhood, parenting, love, work, etc) is a practice sheet, in which we can only work on one or two things at a time. So it's a long process until you get it right for yourself - if you ever do. 

              It's quite like that John Meyer song, he's in love with this girl who seems to be struggling with commitment and he says, "I've done all i can to stand on the steps with my heart in my hands, now I'm starting to see that  maybe it's got nothing to do with me. Father's be good to your daughters, cause daughters will love like you do. Girls become lovers who turn into mothers, so mothers be good to your daughters too. On behalf of every man looking out for every girl (...) Parents be good to your daughters, daughters will love like you do".

               So there it is. Looks like it all boils down to how fucked up you are. How badly you’re parent’s screwed up. And how hard you can work towards healthy relationships. 

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           - Just a few  pointers, from this ignorant, over-analysing, over-sensitive brain-stormer. 


            The pillars to any healthy relationship (according to me) are:


RESPECT - Compromise - Commitment - Comunication - Understanding/Empathy - Affection & Admiration

There are of course, many other components that can positively influence relationships, but (again, according to me) these seven are essential for a healthy relationship. Jeopardize but one of them, and eventually you'll end up wondering what went wrong. 

Good Luck!


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